One more for the bulletin bloopers file

I spotted this on an email for local pro-life events this month:

Living Rosary [held at the local Catholic high school football field]...Bring misquote repellent.

Were that not proofreading cautionary tale enough, this followed:

The Living Rosary is equally spectacular, if not more so.

Was that why we need the misquote repellent?

Why D and I Could Not Possibly Have Married Anyone Else

That, or we've been together so long we're now interchangable.

I chatted on the phone with Hon. Daughter #1, now out in the Big World, earlier this week. She described an upcoming fundraising event for the domestic violence shelter where she works: a beer tasting.

Me (visions of drunken debauchery and violence dancing in my head): "What, are they trying to drum up business?"

Last night D was reading his Facebook page when he announced, "Hon. D. #1 updated her status. She says she's at a beer tasting."

Me: "Oh, yeah. That's a benefit for the shelter."

D (completely unprompted, I swear): "What, are they trying to drum up business?"

The Evolution of an Irish Ballad

Being the surmises of a musical amateur who has lately spent entirely too much time online trying to track down folk music lyrics.

Gen. 1. The Irish take on the British in a battle somewhere on Irish soil. Being seriously outnumbered, they are defeated utterly with great loss of life. Anonymous Irish balladeers compose lyrics honoring the courage of the dead, with individual verses devoted to units from each county involved and to fallen leaders. The result is about 40 verses long, though only six or seven are actually remembered by anyone after the debut.
[Alt. Gen. 1. A minor Irish nobleman takes to the hills after a dustup with British occupiers. Anonymous balladeers compose a mercifully brief ditty depicting the outlaw as a romantic hero and emphasizing his revolutionary cred and sheer heartthrobbiness.]

Gen. 2. The simplified lyric becomes a popular drinking song.

Gen. 3. Early Irish immigrants carry the ballad to the New World, where an English version of the lyrics that may or may not have anything to do with the original is composed. This translation is unequivocally a drinking song and includes wordplays that are hilarious after a quart or so of beer and a rollicking chorus that encourages audience participation.

Gen. 4. Sometime during the nineteenth century, a political campaign borrows the tune and composes a new set of lyrics praising their candidate.

Gen. 5. Frontier musicians develop yet another set of lyrics to the tune. The result is a song about clams.

Gen. 6. Pete Seeger borrows the tune and composes lyrics (a.) in praise of labor unions, (b.) opposing war, or (c.) warning of the dangers of atomic energy. He performs it at a rally devoted to the issue.

Gen. 7. The Irish Rovers record a wacky rendition of the drinking song.

Gen. 8. Rory Cooney borrows the tune and rewrites the lyrics as a hymn of which the liberation theology undertone is hard to ignore.

Gen. 9. Garrison Kiellor rewrites the lyrics as a tongue-in-cheek look at ordinary, modern-day life and performs the result on Prairie Home Companion.

Gen. 10. The Dropkick Murphys yell the whole thing to pipes and shred guitar.

Shot to the Cup

Congratulations to Spain for winning the world cup, the Dutch for a great run, and especially the South Africans for a successful tournament, and a new word in my vocabulary.

The World Was Watching, 2010

The final whistle's blown,
The final contest won.
The Spanish team has shown
Who's best. The world had fun.

To the Dutch dismay
And four-year pain,
The World Cup, it goes to
The native boys of Spain.

And, should I live as long
As Biblical Methuselah,
I don't think that I want to hear
Another darn Vuvuzela.

You know it's gonna be a tough day on the job when...

Your new boss says, "You'll probably want to buy yourself a ballistics vest."

(Received secondhand courtesy Hon. Son#1)

Crazy from the Heat

It was 100 degrees in Georgia
There was rioting in Tehran
Sasha and Malia got ice cream
And it rained on the New York golf fans.

Again 100 degrees for tomorrow
Let's pray for the folks in Tehran.
I really would like something colder --
Like a pic from a North Pole web cam.



The photo is from a NOAA arctic webcam from the end of May. After that heavy snows or a pressure ridge seems to have spoiled subsequent pictures.

Hat tip to Watt's Up with That for pointing the way.

File under "Triumphs of Science"

This one is just for funsies. I hope the folks at the Ig Nobel Awards are paying attention:

CNN reports that when men see a bikini-clad woman, the areas of the male brain that are associated with handling tools and the intention to perform light up. The result? Men depersonalize sexual images of women.
Source

Depersonalization? Perhaps. Still, science may have just solved a problem for women everywhere. Yes, indeedy--they may have just simplified that frustrating matter of how to introduce the weekend "Honey-do" list to greatest effect. Ladies, are you paying attention? First, don swimwear. Then, present toolbox. Once again scientific research enriches lives!

Barack Bluster Bingo

Having seen or read several presidential speeches, I reflected Tuesday that Obama's style invites a drinking game along the lines of the "Hi, Bob" game popular when I was a coed. [This, for the uninitiated, required a television set tuned to The Bob Newhart Show and a supply of adult beverages still legal on campus back in my day. The trick was to have a drink every time a character addressed the principal with a cheery, "Hi, Bob!" Inebriation could usually be accomplished within the half hour.] So I started working on one while listening to Tuesday's "State of the Union" address, and came up with this:

Take a drink every time Pres. Obama ...

...pronounces doom on the economy.
...refers to the "deficit we inherited."
...makes a backhanded jab at the previous administration.
...promises to, "...save or create (insert number) million jobs."
...promises a tax cut to 95% of citizens.
...promises a tax cut to everyone making under $250K--nope, $200K--no, make that $150, no, $100K...
...promises to hold some entity "fully accountable."
...plugs "health care reform," (and we all know what that means.)
...describes budget as "free of earmarks."
...promises some punishment for corporations that ship jobs overseas.

Apparently I wasn't the only one thinking along those lines, as our brother-in-law sent the nifty O-Bingo card below yesterday, courtesy of Americans for Tax Reform.
I think it's a great idea, with the added benefit that getting schnockered is optional. I'll definitely have a printout on hand in time for the next speech.

Advice for the Overtaxed

Poor Tom Daschle. He could have testified before the Senate and had no problem, if he had only consulted Steve Martin for advice:

You.. can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You can be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes! You say.. "Steve.. how can I be a millionaire.. and never pay taxes?" First.. get a million dollars. Now.. you say, "Steve.. what do I say to the tax man when he comes to my door and says, 'You.. have never paid taxes'?" Two simple words. Two simple words in the English language: "I forgot!" How many times do we let ourselves get into terrible situations because we don't say "I forgot"? Let's say you're on trial for armed robbery. You say to the judge, "I forgot armed robbery was illegal." Let's suppose he says back to you, "You have committed a foul crime. you have stolen hundreds and thousands of dollars from people at random, and you say, 'I forgot'?" Two simple words: Excuuuuuse me!!"


Does anyone have a copy of Timothy Geithner's testimony? Is it at all similar?

I heard the the President's "Performance Czar" also had to bow out because of tax problems. I've never heard of a performance czar before, but I have heard of performance art. Perhaps the next nominee should be Laurie Anderson.



Laurie's Fiscal Message:


Steve Martin quote found on SNL Transcripts.

Things Really Are Bigger in Texas

This item from John McCaslin's column caught my eye this morning:

"Dear John," reads the "Dear John" letter from Houston.

"In light of your political coverage area, I am writing to you regarding ... Barack Obama's inauguration and to introduce you to Presidential Park and Gardens ... scheduled to open in September of 2009. The park will feature 43 larger-than-life statues of all the United States presidents ... and the Obama sculpture is currently in development with plans for completion by Presidents Day.

"The presidential sculptures are all at least 18 feet in size and weigh an average of 7,000 pounds apiece."

I don't know about you, but this columnist can't wait to travel to Texas and lay my eyes on an 18-foot-tall, overweight replica of Chester A. Arthur.

Chester Arthur, heck. I'd like to see William Howard Taft.

Crystal Ball Return

Over at the American Catholic, a number of contributors listed out his predictions for the coming year. While the prediction game is fun (I engage in it myself on occasion ), sometimes it is more fun to look back at predictions made about the present time to see how well the past pundits prognosticated.

The Usborne Book of the Future: A Trip in Time to the Year 2000 and Beyond (Amazon listing here), written by Kenneth Gatland and published in 1979, lists predictions for the decades of the 1980's and 1990's. Let's look at a few of them and see how Mr. Gatland fared.

"Satellites in Earth orbit beam educational programmes to many countries in the underdeveloped Third World."

Does "Baywatch" count as educational programming?

"Wind turbines - modern windmill designs - are developed which can supply electricity economically"

Unless you live on Martha's Vineyard

"Domestic computers run household equipment. Electronic chores include keeping accounts, ordering supplies, suggesting menus, cooking meals and keeping a diary for the people living in the house."

I believe those diaries are now called "blogs."

"Newspapers supplied to homes either via a computer printout or
in electronic form over the TV screen."

Got that one right, but who prints them out?

"First domestic robots used as household 'slaves' to do simple tasks."

I hear the Roombas are organizing for abolition.

"Good insulation and other energy saving features built into all new houses."

But I had to buy one from the 1970's!

Solar Panels in general use to heat water in homes. Solar-electric cells used ot generate electricity for some uses, such as recharging batteries.

Not quite yet, but we're getting there.

First deliveries of electronic mail. Hand-written letters are electroically copied, sent via a satellite-link to their destination, wher ethe incoming message is printed out.

Just the fax ma'am; email is a lot smoother than that!

Hat tip to Classical Gas Emissions

Supplication Made Easy

It seems everyone else is doing it, so I figured it would be a good time to put together an open letter to the president-elect expressing my hopes that he will address my deepest concerns. Thanks to this handy MadGlibs template (courtesy MadGlibs; form letter courtesy DarwinCatholic) I can accomplish this with a minimum of effort:

Open Letter to Obama President-elect Barack Obama, As American boxtops, we would like to flaunt you on your election as President of the United States. We hope we will be able to change with you, your administration, and our fellow boxtops to move beyond the division which has often garbled our great nation since 1066. As a result of this, many Americans have become glib, blaming others for fire ants. We face serious traffic circles in the world today, and if we hope to overcome these crises, we should make a vague effort to come together and say, "oy!!" One of the soporific elements of your campaign has been the call to end such mumps. You promised to bring people together in chocolate. We want to encourage people to work together for the common freedom. One of the critical issues which currently divides our nation is the arms race. Indeed, as you once said, "Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to." Let us now all come together and say, "Eat at Joe's!"

It's always interesting what a Madlib form can reveal about the contributor. My efforts above reveal me as a southerner (as evinced by my immediate selection of "fire ants" in response to the cue "a bad thing") and a female (as is evinced by my response "chocolate" to the cue "a good thing".) My approximate age is suggested by my choice of "The Arms Race" as a critical issue. The verb "change" came to mind, obviously, because it was one of the words the Obama campaign wore out during the race; of the adjectives "glib" and "soporific" I will reserve comment, but the subject of the letter was very much in mind.

From the sublime to the ridiculous

A couple of posts down I invoked the wisdom of the very smart and thoughtful Flannery O'Connor. Tonight, by way of balance, I add this quip from Iowahawk to the file:

Yes, I know there are probably other African-Americans much better qualified and prepared for the presidency. Much, much better qualified. Hundreds, easily, if not thousands, and without any troubling ties to radical lunatics and Chicago mobsters. Gary Coleman comes to mind.

Gimme the Beat, Boys

Enough already with politics--here's something useful.

If you have a hard time remembering the compression rate for CPR, as I do, just hum Stayin' Alive by the BeeGees. The beat matches the desired rate of 100 compressions per minute. This useful bit of info is at First Aid. About.com, and also looks to be getting no small amount of attention at news outlets, who presumably needed an excuse to ignore Joe the plumber (couldn't resist.)

CPR training can now be that much livelier--I imagine the entire class singing along while bouncing up and down on their Rescussi-dummies. Much more fun that that staid old One-one thousand, two-one thousand mnemonic we were taught in the past.

Keeping in mind that CPR is a last-ditch effort to keep someone alive and the rate of loss is very high, About.com suggests Queen's Another One Bites the Dust (which also matches the 100/min compression rate) as an alternative for the pessimistic first responder.

So what's the tune for infant/child CPR?

Pull Down the Schadenfreude

With the candidates so finely coached, and questions never really answered, I have to ask myself, why do I, and so many others watch the debates?


Why do we watch presidential debate?
What do we hope to find there?
Will casual lines change people's minds?
Will we vote for the cut of his hair?

I think the debate is like NASCAR,
They circle, surrounded by tech--
But you and me, what we want to see
Is for one or the other to wreck.

If all goes well for both men,
They'll say that the evening's a bore
But if someone falls down, or acts like a clown
The press will be shouting for more!

Why do we watch the presidential debate?
Will anything really get done?
I have to admit, I learn not a bit;
Is this your idea of fun?

The Ys of the Law, or Stones as Impediments

Is "being male" a disability? Walter Olson, in the Blog Overlawyered, cites Louis Solomon's assertion that a recently passed amendment to the Americans with Disabilities Act could allow just that. The "Americans With Disability Amendments Act," which passed in September and goes into effect on Jan. 1, lessens the burden on employees to prove they're disabled, therefore making it easier for them to bring claims. Louis Solomon is co-head of the global litigation department at Proskauer Rose.

I wonder if Solomon used the following to justify his case:



http://view.break.com/586182


Video Hat tip: Blogadilla

Coming Tomorrow: Bang Your Head on the Keyboard Day

All right, last night and this morning when my browser dashboard came up the lead story (note to D: can we get the dashboard to display real news instead?) was Clay Aiken: 'Yes, I'm Gay'.

I visited Civics Geeks, where I found Zach had posted the following headline from today's edition of his alma mater's student newspaper:
Students work to learn in big lectures

Then, I ran across this mention on The Ironic Catholic of a Time Magazine story on a "green" Bible:

[Time]Green runs through the Bible like a vine. There are the Garden and Noah's olive branch. The oaks under which Abraham met with angels. The "tree standing by the waterside" in Psalms. And there is Jesus, the self-proclaimed "true vine," who describes the Kingdom of Heaven as a mustard seed that grows into a tree "where birds can nest." He dies on a cross of wood, and when he rises Mary Magdalene mistakes him for a gardener.

[IC] Yeah, here's a clue, Time--there was no electricity back then. Of course the ancient world was green.

Positively eerie.
I can only conclude that Congress declared Keen Insights Into the Obvious day and forgot to inform most of us about it. Small wonder their approval rating is where it is.

So here I am, behind the curve again on things. Though it's a bit slapdash, I have, in keeping with the spirit of the day, thrown together a few humble insights of my own:

*Gee, whillikers, this mortgage bailout is going to cost us a bundle.
*What a horserace the election is turning out to be, eh?
*If I don't pick up that absentee ballot application for Hon Daughter #1, she's gonna miss the election entirely.
*It's Indian summer in Georgia, and the ragweed is in bloom...
*I have really, really got to vacuum this floor today.
*Gosh, Dog Bud really smells. He cannot go another week without a bath.

Dressing to Advantage

Or, why clarification in writing is sooo important:

Our daughter's troop is currently busy with the annual cookie sale. This item was on a list of safety rules included with the sales material:

Wear the...membership pin and/or clothing.

One would certainly hope so.

In a similar vein, the following is an official rule of fencing:

No undressing on the strip.

Because those sword blades on bare skin, y'know...they can really hurt.

Enough preteen humor for one day. Signing off.

Sign for the Times

Okay, quick funny so I don't abandon this entirely.

While passing by the librarians' counter at our public library this afternoon, I noticed an unusual object--a small flyswatter--sticking up out of each of the three or four pencil cups. (Okay, so that's not so unusual. But the library really doesn't have a fly problem.) On getting closer, I saw that each had been inscribed on the blade with a Sharpie. Each read: CELL PHONE WHACKER.

The librarian on duty allowed that she was thinking of having them patented.

Disqualified

The cheeked tongue department presents the following editorial:

I was amused at a recent report that a columnist for the LA Times, Tina Daunt had postulated that a presidential run by Fred Thompson might be hurt because he portrayed a racist in his previous acting career. "So can "Law & Order" actor and former Sen. Fred Thompson (R-Tenn.) become the first presidential candidate with this credit? Thompson played a white supremacist, spewing anti-Semitic comments and fondling an autographed copy of "Mein Kampf" on a television drama 19 years ago."

If that is so, I wondered who else could be made politically irrelevent from past television or film roles. As Ms. Daunt remarked, Arnold Schwartzenegger's political career was not hurt by playing a robot bent on murder and the ultimate destruction of humanity. Perhaps, it was because he switched sides in the sequel. But who else could be hurt by prior evil roles?

While currently having no political aspirations that I know of, James Earl Jones seems to be first on the disqualification list. Being the voice of the evil Darth Vader for not one but three movies (plus about two lines at the end of Star Wars III), Jones has to live down destroying planets, dismembering his progeny and being a cruel, heartless villan. In fact, when his character finally does redeem himself, at the end of Star Wars VI, it is in the voice of another actor entirely. And, early in his acting career, Jones was the bombadier in an aircraft that nuked Russia, in Dr. Strangelove. With that kind of baggage, no politics for you, Mr. Jones!

And how about Martin Sheen? He's never been shy regarding politics. In fact, he played the President in the recent television series "The West Wing." Should he have even been let near the White House set, after playing Confederate General Robert E. Lee in Gettysburg? Remember, the Confederates were on the side that was for preserving slavery. How much more racist could you be than that? Shouldn't his playing of Watergate figure John Dean, gangster Pretty Boy Floyd and deserter Private Eddie Slovak have disqualified him from both the fictional White House and any real political participation?