Friday, October 23, 2009

Counting for Diddley

Anyone who has had small children while living in Germany knows about a treat that delights children of that nation, the Kinder-Ɯberraschung (literally Children-Surprise, but known to most Americans as the Kinder Egg). A Kinder-Ɯberraschung is a hollow chocolate egg containing a small plastic toy which usually requires some assembly. These eggs generally cannot be found in the U.S. due to laws about hiding small, choking-size inedible objects in edible things, especially if those edible things are meant for children.

Recently, the U.S. Congress has taken a page from the European candy-makers. Hidden within a large Defense Appropriation bill was a rather unpalatable expansion of hate-crimes legislation. I disagree with making violent crime against one group different than that occurring against another group. Laws against violence should be stringent and vigorously enforced, regardless of the gender or orientation of the victim. To do otherwise would divide Americans into first and second class citizens before the law.

Rather than let my frustrations build over the matter, I engaged the parody department to help me let off steam. The results are here for your enjoyment.

Hate Crime (to the Tune of "Willie and the Hand Jive")
by Dminor. Apologies to Johnny Otis, as well as Eric Clapton, George Thorogood and a million anonymous bar bands.


I know a cat named Way-out Willie,
But when he goes out at night he's named Rocking Lily.
Yeah Congress says that it is true;
A crime against him now counts as two.

From Pelosi to Senator Reid
"A hate crimes law is what we need!
It won't pass standing on its own,
So a Defense bill will be its home."

Hate Crime, Hate Crime, Hate Crime
I don't rate a hate crime.

A doctor, a lawyer and an Indian Chief,
They don't rate that kind of relief.
Unless they are of a certain lifestyle
They won't count as much at trial.

Hate Crime, Hate Crime, Hate Crime
I don't rate a hate crime

Violent crime is evil, against the law.
And no one should fall victim, that goes for all!
Well, defense appropriation now has a twist;
You're second class or you're on a list.

Hate Crime, Hate Crime, Hate Crime
I don't rate a hate crime

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3 Comments:

Blogger mrsdarwin said...

Kinder Eggs were Hot Stuff when we were over in Austria (1999). Plenty of my classmates thought that the Eggs were just the bees' knees and spent lots of groschen stocking up. I didn't like the taste of the the Kinder Egg chocolate, but I did my part to support the Austrian economy by buying Milka bars.

1:34 PM  
Blogger CMinor said...

IMHO, you were the wiser consumer. Fortunately neither the fourth-rate chocolate nor the plastic junk inside were much of a lure for our kids, confirmed Gummi Bear junkies all. I've never understood the appeal of Kinder Uberraschungen on a continent on which really good chocolate is readily available at reasonable prices.

9:15 AM  
Blogger CMinor said...

Darn it, D! How do you make umlauts?

12:27 PM  

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