Thursday, September 04, 2008

Things I Learned From Reading and Listening to News Sources Over The Weekend

1. Race and gender are not acceptable criteria for judging a candidate's fitness for office. Hairstyle, dress, and cocktail party skills will suffice for that.

2. Evangelical Christian women are required to be subservient to their husbands. Sally Quinn said so, so it must be true.

3. When a politically liberal female leaves her kids with a nanny to pursue a high-powered career, it's the realization of the feminist ideal. When a politically conservative female leaves her kids with Dad to render public service, it's neglect.

4. It's fine, well, no, not really--but it's an acceptable choice to give birth to a Down's syndrome baby. But if you knew it was coming, you really should have considered the alternative. If you weren't going to consider the alternative, why did you bother to find out what was coming?

5. But it's only acceptable to carry a Down's syndrome baby to term if you are full prepared to drop everything else and spend eight hours a day doing aggressive home therapy with him.

6. Trailer trash get pregnant out of wedlock and have babies. Sophisticated Georgetown types presumably get pregnant out of wedlock and have it taken care of discreetly.

7. Conservative, pro-life women who are in the public eye from sunup to sundown can be relied upon to fake pregnancy in order to cover for an inconveniently pregnant daughter. This ruse will fool all their neighbors, who after all are just dumb hicks.

8. Them redneck girls out in the hinterlands have the capacity to defy the natural limitations of human reproductive physiology and promptly get pregnant again immediately after a birth, presumably while everybody else is distracted with the newborn.

9. Christian parents shouldn't be allowed to prevent their teenagers from getting birth control or an abortion, but they are expected to dog the kids' every step lest they momentarily forget their upbringing and decide to have sex.

10. When a seventeen- and eighteen-year-old make a baby together, the fault obviously lies with the religious-nut parents who, three years earlier, wouldn't let some dumb jock high school coach show them how to put a condom on a cucumber.

11. An eighteen-year-old can vote and enlist in the military, and should be allowed to buy beer, because he's an adult. Unless, of course, an eighteen-year-old fathers a child. Then, suddenly, he's just a dumb kid who can't handle fatherhood and family life without the aid of a team of social workers.

12. When pro-lifers fail to act in accordance with pro-life principles, they're hypocrites. When pro-lifers act in accordance with pro-life principles, they're hypocrites. They are too dense to realize this. What's wrong with these people?

13. A candidate with three decades' political experience and life experiences that have exposed him to the utmost depths of human depravity can be so rattled by an opponent's glib performance that he will throw caution to the winds and nominate an obscure public official he hardly knows and has subjected to little scrutiny.

14. The press always exercises the utmost caution in reporting unsubstantiated rumors. Reports produced by Daily Kos and HuffPo bloggers, however, are presumed credible even in the absence of supporting evidence.

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2 Comments:

Blogger Zach said...

awesome post

9:08 AM  
Blogger CMinor said...

thank you!

5:32 PM  

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