Monday, September 11, 2006

Sometimes I Hear Banjos

At times it seems there's a danger of this blog getting absolutely serious. As absurdity is always around us, and seems to be particularly good at finding the editorial staff of the Minor Premise, though, this is not something we ever need fear for long.
I was hesitant to post today's absurdity as a regionalism is involved, but I had so much fun with it myself I decided that I really ought to toss it out there for the general benefit.

Our community's free left-leaning culture-and-columns tabloid runs a regular column to which the readership is invited to submit commentary via phone or email. (You probably have one of these in your community too; you know the drill.) One of this week's comments read as follows:

I see that Hephzibah has agreed to a cease-fire and is giving away $12,000 in U.S. hundred-dollar bills. Where do I line up?

Hephzibah is a semi-rural community south of Augusta, GA known for having within its limits some rough trailer parks and a sizeable population of what the Delaney Sisters referred to in their autobiography as "Rebby Boys," so its having to agree to a cease-fire with somebody is not entirely implausible. Hephzibah giving out money is a different matter, although given the histories of some local officials the possibility is likewise not implausible. As the local news outlets failed to take note of any recent hostilities in that area, however, one has to conjecture what might have prompted this comment. Some possibilities:

The caller was actually under the impression that hostilities in Hephzibah had recently ceased and wished to be certain of being in the correct location for the disbursement of funds.

Some of the accents in this area are sufficiently unintelligible that even the locals are unable to decipher them.

It is time for the editor-in-chief to sit down with the copy editors (they don't seem to have any of these, but they do have some "interns" which may be part of the problem) and have a serious talk about expectations.

The paper recently hired Emily Litella to man their phone.

I can just picture it:
"Emily! It's Hezbollah. Not Hephzibah. Hezbollah has agreed to a cease-fire."
"Ohhhhh? Never mi-ind."



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